when we long to sleep and dream a new reality….
The dreams, it seems are only hoaxes
That coaxes our imagination
and leads to damnation
cos the dream, it seems
Isn’t real
And you are still gone
like the words in the song
Nothing is quite as it seems
And you are a dream to me…..
New Years resolutions….. full of hope for a new and better year…..
January, a time of hope, promises and resolutions, whether we say it out loud or quietly to ourselves….. a new year is always a source of contemplation. Before the year ends, we make promises that ‘in the new year’ we will do this, or that, give up this or that, be more healthy, change jobs, give more time to loved ones, give more time to ourselves, take up a new hobby, leave something or someone behind.
We go into the Christmas period with a measure of excitement and a measure of dread, for many and varying different reasons, and some can’t wait for it to be over, so that the ‘new year’ can begin and we can begin, afresh, renewed, awakened.
We look back and reflect and ask, what is it I want to do, to be, to have, to start to end, to give up etc etc. Some years may be the same thing as the previous year and we began with gusto, enthusiasm and motivation, only to dwindle, falter and be left with a sense of failure and nothing more than procrastination in that, next year, it will be different…..
Still, we look forward and we try. Does it matter that we may not complete and accomplish it, whatever ‘it’ may be? Isn’t it the ‘giving it a go’ that matters. Even if that ‘giving it a go’ is to just put one foot in front of the other and make our way downstairs and face another day.
For some people the previous year could have been so challenging, so devastating, so traumatic, that to just do that, go downstairs and flick on the kettle is the biggest achievement that they can muster, and isn’t that great! They did it, they made it, they didn’t give up.
When we pass people by in the street, in the shops, in our places of work, looking ‘put together’ and getting on with life, we assume that all is good, all is well with them. Of course they are all putting their best side out. We are all putting our best side out and for some, it is a real struggle.
So this January, no matter what your path, lets all be enthusiastic, that we made it. We can reflect, we can look forward, but lets not forget to be present, and to acknowledge our own unique achievements, no matter how big or small……
Pain and suffering, especially in grief is sometimes so complex that no matter what you do, you cannot seem to get the balance and so you just have to wait it out……
Sometimes you just have nothing to say, at least not out loud. You have plenty to say, in your head and the incessant talking doesn’t stop. You may want to say it out loud, but you can’t, or you won’t for fear. Fear of letting go of the hurt and the pain and letting the emotions take you on a journey where you do not want to go. Fear of causing hurt and pain, to others because you just can’t articulate it properly without emotions getting in the way and muddling it all up.
Like the force of a tsunami thrusting, pushing and propelling at swift unstoppable speed, relentlessly, ruthlessly and causing so much destruction and damage, but it is impossible to stop it. The carnage it will cause, is unthinkable, and so, you keep it all in, hold it down, squeeze it, suppress and restrain it.
The pain will dull woefully , the hurt will scar deeply , the emotions will become emotionless and as the carnage unfolds within, so shall you carry the burden of being the source of their misery…..
A time of good cheer. The one day when all is good and well and the whole world is happy….. right?
Tick tok, tick, tok……….
it’s nearly that time when all should be fun
and children are laughing and no one is glum
where people are frantic and rushed off their feet
presents to buy, people to meet
buy all the groceries, prepare all the puds
get on that list, on the side of the ‘good’.
just stop for a minute and look all around
see whats in front of you, and who’s on the ground
the homeless, the needy, the battered and bruised
no christmas for them, do not be confused
the lost and the lonely, bereaved and bereft
those without faith or an ounce of hope left
so yes it’s that time to share some good will
offer a hand, don’t let time stand still
help the downtrodden, do a kind act
lets stick together, lets make a pact
share out your good fortune, offer it with grace
see dark sad eyes brighten and lift up their face
let the magic of christmas truly begin
open your hearts and let kindness in
teach to your children the magic they have
by accepting indifference to their fellow man
the beauty of giving with a simple pure heart
is a priceless reward and that’s just the start
so yes, it’s that time, to be humble and good
and remember to help all of those that we should
don’t beat yourself up or put yourself down
you only can do what your means can allow
the money, the toys, whether small or big
matters not one single jot, cos’ you’ve far more to give
the love in your heart, a kind simple word
a long tender hug lifts up the whole world
the gift of love, is the best you can give
and be thankful and grateful for as long as you live……….
When the powerless is better than the powerful. When time stands still, perspective is key……
There is havoc, chaos and even tragedy in the storm, when the winds are so strong they have the power to knock tress down and knock power lines out too.
Last week storm Barra visited us and we had just moved in to our new home and we brought our grandson up with us for a few days.
This new house has not yet had the gas fire connected or the new gas hob so we were only left with the oil central heating for heat and the electric hob…… both of which do not work in a power outage.
So here we were in the midst of a powerful storm with no heat, no way to cook, no phone or wifi. ‘At least we have a roof over our head’ I said ‘and blankets, food and candles.
We lit so many candles that it created a nice bit of heat and we even tried to boil water to make tea from the candles. We succeeded but it did take nearly 3 hours!
The next day out we went to buy a camping stove and some battery operated lights. We stopped at the charity shop and bought some books for our grandson. One of which was a a book of Christmas Carrolls.
That night, for our entertainment we played the game, eye spy, followed by singing a few Christmas Carols and a game of ‘go fish’.
Had the power not gone, this would have been a missed opportunity. Like most people in today’s modern world, evenings are often spent in front of the TV. Our grandson loves the TV (just like his grandad!) and they both love to watch movies.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, it is good to spend time together, whether watching a movie at home or going to the cinema, but I just felt thankful that the power did go and that it wasn’t another night spent watching TV.
My grandson, really enjoyed the games and the singing, as did we. We all had a good laugh playing and guessing the eye spy so much that we didn’t even notice that there was no heating or all the other power filled luxuries that we are accustomed to.
To be powerless, as in having a power cut, can be beautiful. The stars in the sky shone brighter and the moon reflected in the windows and the chatter and laughter in the house was louder. It makes us more connected, more focused and more appreciative of the little things that matter more than all the other stuff. The lack of electricity brought us back, for a while, to a time when, that is how the world worked.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t like to be without power like in the ‘olden days’ all the time, but for just a while, it is not ‘just an inconvenience’, it can be beautiful, absolutely powerful to be power-less.
what makes a house a home or who says a home is a house? Is ‘home’ a building, a place or a feeling?
Almost 3 months ago I received this card from a friend, and it was a lovely surprise to have something posted through the letterbox to my new address.
From actually getting the keys, to moving in to this new house, however, was 3 long months. So much has happened in those 3 months.
This house was to be a fresh start, our ‘grown up’ house, as the children have all finally, flown the nest and we had outgrown our ‘family home’ or it had outgrown us!
At the time between selling our family home and getting the keys for the new house my other half was waiting to have major heart surgery. He had the surgery 10 days after getting the keys and is recovering, slowly but surely.
We were worried and anxious about the surgery beforehand, which is normal, I guess, but one day before getting the keys to the new house I received the devastating news that my best friend had terminal cancer and her time was very short,
This news superceeded everything else going on in my life, including my other half’s surgery.
She was due to come here, to stay here, as she lives in another country. I was looking forward to her coming, to seeing her, as it had been two years since we last saw each other in person due to Covid and restrictions.
This will never happen now. We had been friends for 45 years. We were like sisters and her death, two weeks after being given the news of her cancer, has had a profound effect on me.
When you think of people you go through all the memories, the shared moments and experiences. I visualise things and see her/us together in all sorts of places, school, shops, holidays, hospitals, pubs, clubs and our homes. It makes me smile and it is a bitter sweet feeling, knowing that I will never see her here, in this new house, this new home that I am trying to create.
When I left my old house, I said, ‘it is just a house’ the memories come with you, and they do. So ‘home’ isn’t necessarily a house is it? In creating and decorating and getting this house ready to live in, I take all my memories with me from all the people that I love. My family and my friends.
The day I came up here, after my other half had his op and my friend died the ‘New home’ card was on the mat in the hall. As I opened it and walked into the living room there, flying around was a butterfly. To me, it was my friend waiting for me and greeting me, letting me know, that she was there.
The first thing I did when I did move in was to plant a tree for her and to put up some garden ornaments and tree spinners, to create a garden in her memory, somewhere, where I can sit and talk to her and make new memories in this home.
The sadness of grieving her is still there, but I have to carry on and continue to make this house a home for my other half and I and for our children and grandchildren when they come and visit.
I think it is the people in our lives that make a house a home, whether they are with us, near us or have passed over across the great divide. So long as we love them, cherish them and feel blessed to have them beside us and in our hearts, then we can feel at home.
Even though I have moved away, to a new area, a few hours drive away, this ‘grown up’ house will be made into a ‘home’ while we count our blessings for the life and health that we continue to have, and we will welcome old and new friends and look forward to discovering this new place, that we can come to call home.
There are no guarantees of being a success, of finding ‘the one’ of being fulfilled. No guarantees of reaching your goals, living to a ripe old age or attaining your dreams.
What is it then, within us to continually seek to try, to find, to hope and to keep going, even in the face of adversity. Is it all our intrinsic resources that push us on, or are there extrinsic factors at force?
It must be both but, even with the best will in the world, sometimes, it seems like a hard battle to fight or difficult mountain to climb, and then we feel defeated.
Then, sometimes out of nowhere it seems, that all is not lost, there is another way to climb the mountain, once rested, and not all battles need to be won in order to succeed and feel a sense of hope again.
Adapt, be absent and acceptance are the three ‘A’ s that will help pull you through the rough times. Accept that there is a difficulty, stay absent, for a while, from the usual routine or the usual people around you, and soon you will find a way to adapt to the changes that you must face.
There is no guarantee that things will always stay the same. There will be ups and downs. There will be losses and gains there will be love and pain but all will not be lost and something of value will be taught.
I lost a very dear friend recently. My heart was broken, for her, her family and for me. She is a huge loss and leaves a massive void.
We won’t grow to be old ladies together. I had never even contemplated that…. She died too young, but she had a good life and she enjoyed her life to the full. She lived with love and shared her love amongst her family and friends.
So in this sorrow, in this grief and hurt and pain there has to be acceptance and life must adapt without her physical presence. Making ourselves absent, giving ourselves time and self love, to come to terms with the loss and remember the good times is crucial in the process.
There is no time limit, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. For me, I believe she is present, all around us. I talk to her, pray for her, look out for signs of her. I keep her alive in my heart, even though I miss her and the rest of the life, she should have had. Yet I’m grateful for the time we did have….
So what now? One step at a time. One day at a time, we move forward. It’s all we can do. We live, we love, we hope, we pray, we dream. We must stay humble and grateful for the time and love we shared and for all our loved ones lost to us, live on with them in our hearts…. Until we meet again…..
Though the tides will ebb and flow and the night will turn to day
The steps that go one, in front of the other
Will always carry you, along the way…..
Hearts filled with love and sorrow
Will carry over, all the tomorrows that you do not have
But live on through those left behind who will tell stories of their encounters, and we will smile, as we recall, with such joy, the love and laughter that we once shared and so, you will live on another day, and more, until we gather together again, and dance and laugh and hold you tight, in our arms…..
I took you to dinner that night
We sat by the window
A view of the river Lee flowing past
A beautiful orchid and candle
Central on the table
I layed my napkin, carefully, thoughtfully, on my lap
I hung my head a few seconds longer
Composing myself
Before looking at the chair opposite me
Smiling, imagining you sitting there
Knowing
That sometime after dinner
We would have our very last factime
It would soon be time for you to go
You were being called home
To your eternal rest
I had to prepare myself
To face the reality
That this was it
And so, I took you to dinner
And I stared at that chair
Smiling at you, as though you were there
Toasted you, our friendship
And told you I loved you forever
I thanked you for being my friend
I told you I was blessed to have met you
45 years wasn’t long enough
I explained I would forever keep you with me
I raised a glass to you
I told you I was sad that you had to go
But I understood it was time
Acknowledged that you were tired
And ready to go
Told you how much you would be missed by us all
But you already knew that
You knew how special you were to us
I didn’t want dinner to end
I didn’t want any of it
I wanted you here
To be in that chair for real
Laughing and chatting
And being healthy and well
I wanted that, more than anything
And I know
You did too…..
Where do they get off, so called celebrities, with their view of ‘tosh’.
Clarkson, Morgan, love to rant, but feel the Prince shouldn’t, or can’t?
A tell all memoir of his life, of course, there’s lots who’ll blame his wife!
Opinions, opinions, view points and all, but isn’t he the one, that can recall it all?
I’m neither a Royalist nor celebrity struck, but I’m sick and tired of reading such muck.
How can a celebrity think his path is right, and people should support them, in their ‘toshful’ plight?
Horses for courses in the lives that we lead. What right has a celebrity, to preach how to succeed.
Their life is their life, only they can live it. Not perfect, not wholesome, and could change in a minute!
What happened to the message that we all should ‘be kind’. Then what gives you the right, to speak out your mind?
Were you born into royalty and told what to do. A flash in your face, media following you?
From the day you were born, they just won’t relent. You’re expected to conform and you have the intent.
To do as your told, for the sake of the crown, but even the mighty have to fall down.
Break free from the chains and get out of the game, like an animal that’s wild, and doesn’t want to be tamed.
But wants to roam free, walk his own winding path, and show to the world, the life that he had.
So many will tell him what a ‘privilege’ he had, but if he doesn’t want it, does that make him bad.
He’s scorned if he does he’s scorned if he doesn’t, told to do this, told that he mustn’t.
Let the man be to live his own life, a person, a father a husband to his wife.
Who are we all to court contraversy, just let him speak, if it sets him free.
How many celebs have written a book, about their own lives and want us to look?
To see their life, from their own side, some of it shameful but balanced with pride.
We are all just people, walking this planet, born in to circumstance, we none of us planned it.
Stop casting aspirations on what he should do. Keep guarded your counsel on what YOU should do.
Stop with the shouting, the words of disdain, pointing the finger and causing such pain.
Keep your opinions in your own little minds and remember the message to ‘please be kind’
How can we know if people don’t tell, how it was for them, whether heaven or hell.
Perspective and context, only they really know. So big mouthed celebrities just ‘let it go’
You were born a nobody just like me. Be wise be humble, with an ounce of dignity!
Relay shun ships 
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