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Daily Life Experiences Blog

This is the post excerpt.

Hi, this is my first time blogging, well actually its my second.  I started on a different site, but felt it wasn’t quite the right one, so here I am, beginning again with wordpress.  Please be patient with me, it may take a while for me to get to grips with it.  That is the thing about starting something new, it is both exciting, but also nerve wracking and can even be a little bit complicated.    (I will seek professional advice….. I promise) but in the meantime, if you see stuff that shouldn’t be here (like instructions how to build the blog) remember, I’m a learner and have a bit of sympathy.  Just think of a time when you had to start something new, like learning to drive  a car.  It’s kind of a bit like that for me now, trying to understand this format, but I will get there in the end.  In the meantime, enjoy and have a great day!

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The Section

It’s not that simple, having a baby. Even getting pregnant can be a challenge, it was for me. Medicine by way of fertility soon took care of that but when it came time to having my twins, it wasn’t that easy, or was it?

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Yesterday was my twins 27th birthday. It’s hard to believe that I had them 27 years ago, when I can remember their ‘birth’ so vividly.

At the time I thought I was only going into hospital for my final scan, number 5, (usual for multiple pregnancy) and then going into town shopping. It was apparent, however, during the course of the scan, that the sonographer was not happy about something, so went to fetch someone else to take a look. I began to feel a little anxious at this point. After this person had a look at the scan they asked me to take a seat in the little room next door as they wanted the consultant to take a look at the scan. My anxiety levels by now were very high. ‘is everything OK, I asked nervously’. ‘Yes, of course, we just want the consultant to take a quick look’ she replied, but I was not convinced.

Soon the consultant came and asked if I had been resting since the last scan, ‘One of the babies is very small and you must rest’ he had told me at scan number 4. I had rested as much as I could, given that I had a 4 year old at home and a part time job.

‘I think we will keep you in, for bed rest’ he blurted out, ‘nothing to worry about’, he said before turning to the nurse then leaving. I was both anxious and confused now, why would I have to stay in. Of course I was worried about my 4 year old too, and not being able to go home to mind her.

Fortunately, my mother had come over from Ireland just two days before, to stay with me for a month or so and be there when the babies were born as I was going to be induced at 38 weeks, 2 weeks early.

After I was brought up to the ward and shown where my bed was, I sent my husband home to tell my mother what was going on, and told him not to come back until he had collected our daughter from school and to ensure he didn’t panic her about my having to stay in hospital.

Whilst he was gone the consultant came back to see me with a change of mind, so to speak. ‘I’ve had another look at your scan and well, I think, rather than risk both babies, we’ll get them out in the morning, see what’s going on’ he said, matter of factly……. ‘Nurse, prepare her for a c section, nil by mouth after midnight’ he said, then left again.

‘Rather than risk both babies’, what did he mean, I wondered, now they will be 6 weeks early too instead of two weeks, isn’t that risky, I thought. Although anxious I couldn’t help but feel a little excited too, knowing that I would be having my babies the next day. It was a little surreal, but definitely exciting. It was an emotional roller coaster.

It definitely wasn’t what I had planned or even contemplated. I had imagined that my husband would most probably be at work, doing the night shift, when I would go into labour and it would be all panic stations to get to the hospital on time. My first child came quite quickly once labour had started and they say your second and subsequent babies come even faster.

By the time he came back to the hospital that afternoon, my husband, with my mum and daughter I had completely processed the news that I was having my babies the next morning. All I had to do, was give him the good news….. He almost fainted, without a word of a lie, he was so shocked he began to cry, the big softie that he is.

I could barely sleep with nerves and excitement and praying that all would be well with my babies. ‘Rather than risk both babies’ kept going over and over in my head. I had insisted however, that I be awake for the section, so I could know, straight away, that everything was OK with them, and the consultant had agreed to that request.

The ‘section’ itself wasn’t as straight forward as it should have been either to begin with. As I had asked to be awake, it meant I would have an epidural, a needle inserted into my spine to numb the area from the bump down. They know that it has worked when they proceed to spray water onto your tummy to see if you can feel it. I could. We waited. They sprayed again. I could still feel it. While this spraying and waiting was going on, my husband was being holed up in a waiting area, where he was gowned up in his scrubs.

After about 10 minutes, they proceeded to give me another dose of epidural, waited, sprayed, I could feel it. We Waited, he sprayed again ‘If you can feel it this time we are going to have to give you a general anesthetic’ the anesthetist said. I could feel it, not as much, but I could feel it a bit ‘No I can’t feel it this time’ I lied. There was no way I was having a general, that was for sure!

Finally, my panicked husband was now allowed in to be by my side. There was a big cage thing over my tummy so as to block my view from what they were doing on the other side. Announcing that he was just about to make the incision, I turned my head to my husband and a tear ran out the corner of my eye, waiting to feel the pain……. I didn’t feel a thing! Thank God.

Baby Number one was lifted out, after a bit of tugging, wrapped, handed to me for a second to see her, before being whisked away for her apgar score to be done. At least she was screaming, so that was a good sign. Next, baby number 2 is lifted out, again, wrapped, handed to me for a second before she too needed to get her apgar score done, screaming merrily along with her twin.

After they had finished with me and gave me a nice little suturing which resembles the shape of a smile, they wheeled me into another room and I was well and truly numb, no matter how much I tried to wake my body up, by tapping it, from the tummy down, it wouldn’t cooperate.

‘Everything seems to be fine with the babies, there is only one placenta, so it looks like one of them was just being greedy and taking all the nourishment’ I was told. The little one will have to go into SCBU (special care baby unit), just because she can’t retain her body heat on her own, but apart from that, she is all good’ I was reassured.

What a relief! Both babies were fine and they were girls, which is what I had been hoping for. I was overjoyed, elated in fact.

After 4 days I was allowed home, with baby No 2, whilst baby no. 1 remained in SCBU and where I would make twice daily trips back into the hospital to see her, feed her, cuddle her and lay her twin beside her. She remained in hospital for a month before being deemed able to ‘hold her own’ and now a hefty 5 pounds in weight!

Something kept niggling at me as the days and weeks went on however, something that I had not been expecting. I felt ‘cheated’ somewhat. The fact that I did not give ‘birth’ to them, did not go through the labour and do the hard work of bringing them into the world. I couldn’t shake the feeling off.

As I would feed them or cuddle them or just look at them, I knew they were mine, I was there, wide awake and the only thing between us was the cage, but they were mine. Why then, did I feel like they weren’t? It was a weird and strange feeling, that is actually quite difficult to explain.

I loved them, I had bonded with them, I was more than happy to have them, but I felt something was missing. I had the scar to prove that they came out of my tummy, yet I felt, perhaps, separate or divided from them. My heart and mind knew, loved and wanted these babies more than anything, but my gut was making me feel that I had not worked hard enough for them, that I had let them down because I had failed to ‘give birth’.

I think it took me a good 6 months to shake the feeling off, maybe a bit longer. It didn’t stop me caring for them and loving them and I didn’t suffer any sort of post natal depression but I couldn’t shake the feeling off or even rationalise it. I would look at them in wonder and my heart would burst it was so full of love for them. I just found it such a strange sensation, one that I had not expected so it took me by complete surprise because it was so different to how I felt when I had my eldest daughter. I think, for me, there was a sense of pride for having ‘given birth’ and going through the labour and safely delivering my daughter as opposed to have someone ‘do the work’ for me?

I makes me wonder why do they call it a section, because the definition of ‘section’ is to divide something. I am not saying I am not grateful for having one, that, at the time, it was best for my babies to be delivered that way, but I wonder how many other women feel the way I felt. Is it a normal feeling. Is it because after having my first child, naturally and felt so euphoric having pushed her into the world, I felt worthy of her? I don’t know.

I know having a c section is absolutely necessary to save lives, mothers and babies and we are of course very thankful and grateful for such interventions, to safely bring our babies into the world.

So here we are, 27 years later, looking back at old photographs and reminiscing. I remember the day they were born, the joy they brought then, to hear them scream their little lungs out and the joy they continue to bring and not only am I thankful, I am blessed.

The Heavens

Almost a year now and our vocabulary, our way of life and our outlook changed. From lock down, social distancing and restrictions to working together, front line workers and better days ahead, we are all in this together, so lets help each other get out of it…..

I think this has been a particularly difficult lock down, this third one. I know for me it has been, and most people I speak to tell me the same. Is it because it has been during the winter, at the beginning of the new year, when we all hoped upon hope, that by then, we would be through the worst of it? Instead we were only at the beginning of the worst of it and so it has laboured on and we have had to sit it out. The dark wet days haven’t helped. The feeling of restraint have at times been suffocating, but I tell myself, it is all we have to do, sit it out, in the comfort of our own homes. For me, it is a comfortable home and I consider myself very lucky in that fact. Others, however, do not have such a comfortable or even safe home to sit it out in. So for them it is even worse. Then there are the front line workers, particularly the doctors, nurses and all hospital and care staff. I think of them, when I feel that I am being hard done by. They have to venture out, since the beginning of this pandemic, almost a year ago, and do their ‘job’. What about how they must feel. Leaving home, their children and families, to work with an unknown entity, a dangerous and often deadly virus. Their feeling of angst and worry, fear and frustration must be magnified on a daily basis, their mental health as well as their physical health must be taking a battering, we know, it is taking a battering, and so, we must sit it out and do our bit, to help them. To aid them, by not breaking ‘the rules’.

Yes, it feels like our wings have been clipped and the sense of isolation is huge. Feelings and emotions with regards to gatherings are palpable. Close relatives dying and we cannot attend funerals, pay our respects and be united in grief with loved ones. Weddings and other celebrations, curtailed, very intimate numbers or non existent. The world we live in at the moment. But that it all it needs to be, a moment in time, a snapshot of a period in our lives, that we will over come, with cooperation and with science, in the form of hygiene, distancing and vaccinations.

Many people have adapted well and taken up new hobbies, skills and even businesses. I myself, set up a card making business during the first lock down. It gave me something to do. (insta@taylormadecardcreations, Facebook: Caroline’s Card creations). To marry my photos and my words together to make something positive and to send a positive message to a loved one during a very negative time. This kept me and my mind occupied and gave me a sense of purpose in my day.

As a people we are resilient and we have to remember that. We have to hold on to the knowledge that things will get better and this, is only temporary, that if we all work together, we will of course, reap the benefits, together.

I attach a poem I wrote a few weeks ago, after a close relative passed away, but I feel that not just in death do we feel the darkness and the mist, we feel and have felt it it often during these times of lock down. As we learn that ‘life goes on’ after the death of a friend or loved one, we too must know that life will go on, as it did, before the pandemic, it will just be a matter of time.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I watched the birds on the treetops

Surveying all around

What are they looking for,

Something on the ground?

High up in the heavens

Just taking it all in

Is it quiet and peaceful up there

Or is that felt within?

The mist is descending

Like a blanket it falls

I can barely see in front of me

I just slow to a crawl

No more can I see you

As the trees go out of sight

All  is shrouded in darkness

As you turned out the light

So you may soar even higher

Far above the soft white clouds

And I’ll look up to the heavens

And hope that you’ll look down.

The Heavens

love and loss is the sharpest pain, and can be difficult to navigate a way out….

I watched the birds on the treetops

Surveying all around

What are they looking for,

Something on the ground?

High up in the heavens

Just taking it all in

Is it quiet and peaceful up there

Or is that felt within?

The mist is descending

Like a blanket it falls

I can barely see in front of me

I just slow to a crawl

No more can I see you

As the trees go out of sight

All  is shrouded in darkness

As you turned out the light

So you may soar even higher

Far above the soft white clouds

And I’ll look up to the heavens

And hope that you’ll look down.

No Man’s Land

A thought, a feeling, a place, an ideal or a mixture of all… there’s no place like home, Dorothy said….

Where is home?

Where I lay my hat?

Where the heart is?

A feeling or a place

What if I have more than one hat?

What is no man’s land?

Half belonging

Half not

It’s where I reside

With my hat

Half of my heart is there

The other half wonders

If I should wander….

Tense

Time has meaning. Perception is interpreted and responsive…….

Photo by Nick Bondarev on Pexels.com

I am

He is

She is

They are

Present

tense

here, existing, surviving

Willing and able

Kind, loving, giving,

Hurtful, powerful, weak

I was

He was

She was

They were

Past

tense

spent

Absent

Gone

Unwilling

Unable

Kind, loving, giving

Hurtful, powerful, weak

Past or present

Dead or alive

Near or far

We can be both

Present and past

January…..A month to stay in

So the new year is here, full of new years restrictions, a vaccine and hopefully, with hope….

image – authors own

The tinsel is wrapped and put away

The tree gone to the shredder

The Christmas lights once so bright

Have dimmed now all together

A new year’s day, a new year dawns

And we hope we can progress

It is with caution and foreboding

That I am fearful, I confess

The numbers they are growing

And infecting many lives

Invisible like a thief in the night

It will entice you and beguile

As it lures you in, into its grasp

When it sees you are complacent

The virus travels at quick speed

And does not victimise against us

So January it seems, is the month,

that we must pledge to stay in

To slow the spread of this disease

While letting others win

The people with the cancer

The mental health and needs

So great they need attention

But they just have to yield

And so it’s devastating

Whichever way we go

But stay in, we must in January

Cos they have told us so

And as we crash together

And crumble to our knees

Despairing as to whether

We succumb to our needs

For mankind needs a purpose

To go and do some work

It gives us direction and focus

And helps to prove our worth

So now we must all hibernate

And hope we will come through it

Unscathed and well and feeling whole

And hope we haven’t blown it

Essential workers don’t get to rest

Or hide behind closed doors

Their terror and their worry

Will stay with them some more

In order to protect us

 to treat us, and to cure

They go with trepidation

This virus, they abhor

So we all must do the best we can

To keep this ‘thing’ at bay

And hope we can come together

And have our ‘normal’ back some day

Time

The best thing to learn is everything takes time, it’s a matter of knowing how to use it

images taken at St. Helen’s Bay, Co Wexford

None of us know how long or short our time will be on this planet. Some go way too young and others stay beyond a century. I hope to be in the latter. One thing I do know, is that the planet we live on is a place of wonder and beauty. It is ever changing but continually provides a beautiful landscape. Sometimes it rages and causes havoc. Is it angry or simply shifting its focus? Other times it is calm, serene and magical. In moments of time we are the same as this planet. Like a spectrum we can gravitate from one end of the scale to another, depending on our circumstances, our thoughts, opinions, influences and other environmental factors. It is a continuum, time is not static. It does not stand still, even after we leave, time continues and the sun rises and falls and night follows day. Again and again it goes on, in spite of the storms and in spite of the droughts. So it is, that we must do the same. We must carry on in spite of the chaos, in spite of the hurt, in spite of the disappointments, the successes and the failures. Life throws us curve balls and it is up to us what we do with them. We cannot avoid them totally and they will have an impact, but we can work around them, and continue to move forward.

Time is a precious thing in that it never runs out and we can make choices and decisions, and if we screw up and cause havoc like the storms, we know it can be cleaned up, renewed and a new day will dawn and brighter days will follow.

We are heading into a new year and this year we are dealing with and bringing Corona Virus with us. It will not disappear at midnight. There is no fairy godmother that can banish it away or give it wings to fly itself away. We will still wake up in our lock downs with our restrictions and precautions and for that we will feel sad, disappointed and angry, but we know that it will not last forever. We know and have to believe we will get it under control, it is just a matter of time and we must be patient, vigilant and not complacent.

During this time we may have found lots of things to be positive about, thankful for and appreciative of, and so going into the new year, we must remain positive and hang on to those positive thoughts. Trust that a new day is dawning and in time, we can obliterate this virus and in the meantime count our blessings of what we have and who we have in our lives and lets also enjoy the beauty of our planet and nature.

Autumn

Autumn

And the leaves fall down
They are crisp under foot
Exposing the landscape
The colours are changing
Bright beautiful hues
gnarly branches this way and that
a bird in clear sight
the shroud has gone
uncovering the sound of its lamenting sweet song
the dogwood is flaming
showcasing red twigs
spectacular specimen without its coat
but oh, the beech impressively noble
draped in copper, draped in gold
what a sight it is to behold
autumn or fall, a season of beauty
wool knit jumpers and welly boots
pounding in puddles
and dancing with leaves
long country walks
drink in the fresh air
sighs of long deep released breaths
of beauty and loss
of life and death
a stage of renewal
new aspect and time
preparation, perception
yours, theirs and mine

Rhythm…

different not less….. aren’t we all?
lets dance to our own tunes and embrace our uniqueness

photo authors own….. unknown artist for artwork but love the letters U.R.O.K……….you are ok and I am ok, we are ok!

Nothing and no one can be the same

Yet struggle we do and feel the pain

The looks and the sighs when we do it wrong

Not dancing in tune to the same old song

Unique individual, a ‘one off’ for sure

So why do the looks of disdain make me sore

Can you accept I am different from you?

Show me some patience and courtesy too

I may be slower to understand

But do I deserve this reprimand?

I wonder if you could change places with me

Walk in my shoes then you will see

I may not talk or speak as you do

I communicate differently, I thought you knew

A person with autism is different not less

I find you should know better, I must confess

If ‘speaking’ is the be and the end all, of how we should be

Then ought you to know that you misjudge me

Yet I understand that differences mean

We respect what can and cannot be seen

I know how to read but not how to write

I know how to spell, without paper in sight

I know how to cry, to eat and to sleep

I know how frustration looks and feels

So patience and kindness are what I ask of you

To see beyond my behaviour or dance to your tune

For the rhythm in me is different to yours

Just watch and observe me, you’ll ‘find’ me for sure

I am not so different from everyone else

I have thoughts and feelings, but am left by myself

No friend, no companion to join in with me

So please can you try to adjust what you ‘see’

Open your mind and let it wander

Dance to my tune and embrace its wonder

What you will see is truly unique

enlightening and magic and  full of mystique…

The Witching Hour

A little poem to get you in the mood…….

Photo by Thirdman on Pexels.com

The Witching Hour…

Oh come on out don’t be afraid

To play some trick or treat

Fill your bowls if not your souls

To make the night complete

Stop and stare, like you don’t care

At what you see in sight

But hold your gaze and look about

You might just get a fright

You may not see it, but feel it’s pull

As it starts to reel you in#

Gravitate, if you dare

Who says it is a sin?

Hocus pocus, it’s not a trick

If you’re yearning for the thrill

Take a breath, no place to hide

And aim for the kill

The ghosts, the ghouls, the demons too

Invite you out to play

But choose so very wisely

During the witching hour today