mental-health – Relay shun ships

life is simple, its just not easy !

I first heard this ‘saying’ in a psychology lecture many years ago and it really resonated with me, and so I stole it and used it for title of my blog, Itsjustnoteasy.com.

We can imagine what life should look like in our minds. These days more and more people call it ‘manifestation’. It’s the new (ish) ‘buzzword’. I really don’t like that overused turn on phrase either!

From a young age, when I was a girl, I had my ‘plan’. Meet a boy, be engaged by age 18, married by 19 and have a baby by 20. Easy peasy, when you are a 10 year old girl and 18 is 100 years away.

The thing is, I was engaged at 18. Definitely to the wrong fella, who thought being macho meant pushing and knocking me about when he was drunk. By 19 and a half I got wise and left him. Falling in love was easy. Loving someone who you know is bad for you and deciding to leave is not easy, but I did it.

Two years later I found myself engaged again and two years after that, when I was 23, we got married. Love was a slow burner for me, (after the previous ‘Love’, I felt other things were more important, like friendship and respect for instance. We got on well and I was deeply fond of him and so I grew to love him.

At 24 I had my baby. My life was complete. I felt complete.

Then life throws you a curveball and all is not really that rosey in the garden after all. The cracks begin to show, until one day you realise, it’s really not working. We both wanted different things I guess. We both saw ‘marriage’ differently. Deciding to end it was definitely not easy. By 26 I was getting divorced.

Relationships are hard work. Not just with our partners but with family members, work colleagues, teachers, students, you name it, they can be good, bad and indifferent, sometimes all at the same time.

So what gets in the way of this simple life? What makes it difficult? You, me, health, work, weather, intellect, emotion, awareness, the government, communication, motivation, deprivation, ruthlessness, stubbornness, anxiety, gentleness, fragileness ? The list could go on and on and on.

One or more or all of the above gets in the way of life being simple, so therefore, it’s just not easy…. not all of the time….. and there is no way that it can be….unless you are a hermit.

Even then, as much as I enjoy my own company and being on my own, doing my own thing, no one to irritate me, mess up the house, make unpleasant noises in the bathroom, or bedroom, after a skinful of drink, I still need interaction with people. We all do, don’t we?

We are social beings and once we are done with the busy, the hectic, the demanding and the running on autopilot, working, parenting, caring, doing for others, we may find ourselves alone, even with a partner, one can feel alone.

You see, when the busy stops, the doing, the caring, parenting, working etc, you think, what now? You’ve talked the talk. Walked the walk, a thousand million times and now its just you, or you two and often times there is a big blank space that wasn’t there before, or perhaps it was but you just didn’t notice.

So now you think, and think and think and live in your head. So think about you, just you, What do YOU want to do?

The thing is, do something, anything. Something different, something new. Something you are afraid to do. Something that terrifies you. Just do something to take you out of your head, and do the ‘something’ head on. What does it matter if it doesn’t work out. The thing is, it just might.

The thing is, over the course of our lives we have evolved many many times. From infant to toddler to teen to adult and none of it was easy! Well adulting doesn’t stop at 18 or 21. It keeps evolving, and we owe it to ourselves to keep going, keep stepping into the next stage, simple or not, easy or not, but do it.

There will be people and places we meet along the way that we may not ever have met, had we not taken that step. Opportunities we may have missed. Growth we may have stunted, had we not taken a new step in a new direction.

So yes, life is simple, it just not easy, and I don’t think it was ever designed to be. So go grab life by the horns, enjoy the ride, keep courage in your breast pocket and remember, it may not be easy, but it is as simple as that!

Wooden sign reading “OLD LIFE” and “NEW LIFE” beside two rural roads — A weathered sign points toward “OLD LIFE” and “NEW LIFE” along two countryside roads.

December….

“How did it get so late, so soon”? Dr. Seuss

It’s almost upon us….December. Never mind that very special person with a beard and red suit, who comes bearing gifts and leaves them under the tree for all the ‘good’ children, it is also almost the end of another year!

So what did you do this year? Was it hectic, was it fulfilled, was it the same as any other year? Were you in the doldrums, did you realise your dreams, edge closer to your dreams, change direction? Did you endure it with sadness and lose someone significant? Questions, questions, questions!

My year began with deciding to go house hunting in the sun for a holiday home. Having lost both parents in the previous two years, one after the other, my brothers and I shared the proceeds from the sale of their house, our family home. It was a difficult time, but we had to be practical.

I am usually so bad with money, in one hand and out the other, like sand falling hurriedly through my fingers. I really didn’t want to squander what my parents had worked so hard for, and so, the search for a holiday home in the sun began.

By April I had picked up the keys to my place in the sun in Spain and have managed to go there 4 or 5 times since then. For that I have been very grateful (especially to my boss, who has let me have flexi time at work) and of course to my parents, whom I think they would approve of how I spent ‘their money’.

I managed to slip and bash my head whilst in Spain, which required 4 staples and a night in hospital. Thank God no lasting damage…. it could have been a lot worse! It was also a bit of a wake up call.

I visited there with my brother on one occasion and my grandchildren on another. I also visited with one of my friends. I was happy to share this new ‘home’ with them and let them imagine me there should I ever leave Ireland.

Each time I went to Spain I wanted to stay longer and longer and longer. So much so that now, as this year is drawing to a close, I have put my house up for sale, with a view to going to my place in the sun and then deciding, ‘what next’.

Travel has always been on my bucket list. I want to go to places I have never been, if only for a short time, few weeks, few months, longer if possible. Travel without worrying about having to go to work. To just do what I can do with the means that I have.

Impulsive by nature and not one for sitting still for too long I think, ‘what’s the worst that can happen’? With each year rolling quicker and quicker into the next, losing loved ones along the way, good friends and family, it is a stark reminder of how quickly time flies and how precious life is.

I also turned 60 this year so realise there is a lot less time ahead of me that what has gone before. With that in mind I want to take the bull by the horns and try something new….. again.

Is that selfish, is it reckless, is it foolish or is it brave. Maybe it is all of the above! I can only live my life. No one can live it for me, so on that basis, I should just bite the bullet and give it a go…… once my house here actually sells that is!

However, there is a caveat to that. I change my mind like the weather. I drive myself nuts with all my different ideas and plans, but at least, I have ideas and plans and that is what matters isn’t it? To keep thinking, hoping, dreaming, planning and then ‘doing. If we don’t try, nothing changes right?

I moved to this current house 4 years ago. A lovely house in a lovely part of the country. During that 4 years I have grieved 3 very significant people. Started a new job where I currently still work and couldn’t ask for a nicer boss who also became my very good friend. Met several really nice people in my neighbourhood and joined two writing groups where we meet once a week.

I have been welcomed here and made to feel ‘part of the tribe’. People I would never have met, if I hadn’t made the move. I wonder then, who and what is waiting for me in my next move? That is what fills me with excitement and a strong sense of curiosity.

In the words of Anais nin “life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”

So, here’s to another, almost, end of a year and hopefully an exciting new year ahead with new adventures!

influence

Adolescence, the Netflix drama series, is the talk of the towns everywhere at the moment.

I watched it in one sitting. It is certainly a thought provoking, conversation starter and worthwhile piece of viewing on TV at the moment. It is particularly worth a watch if you have children, grandchildren or are a professional that works directly or indirectly with children, specifically teens.

It essentially portrays the impact, affect and ultimate behaviour, that can happen with the power of influence.

Influence, generally, can have either a positive or a negative impact, in my opinion. But in order for us to ‘act’ on influence, we first must make the ‘choice’ to.

Something in us, in our character, our attributes, our personality, our free will, makes a decision, a choice on whether or not we will be swayed, one way or another, right?

Sometimes though, we may ‘act’ on impulse, on instinct. Is that impulse or instinct innate, regardless of outside influences. Has it always been there. Were we born with it or did it develop based on our experiences and our environment? Is there any room for choice when it comes to impulse and instinct?

There is a saying which is ‘your gut instinct’. Usually that lets you know if its right or wrong, good or bad, but impulse is a different story. A gut instinct usually allows for some kind of rational thinking or rationale. Impulse is more immediate and often it is a behaviour based on risk.

In the series, we deduce that something infiltrated the teens psyche which had over time, influenced him , his feelings towards the girl in question, maybe other girls too, The social media platform appeared to be the main culprit of this influence.

However, did he set out to do what he did with intention and malice or did he act on impulse, once he confronted her? You could argue, he had the weapon on him, so he was prepared, therefore there was intent.

You could also argue that he had no intention of causing such fatal harm but merely wanted to scare her. That impulse took over his rational thoughts when he was deemed to be scorned or provoked and that part of his personality was such that he would lose control when so aroused.

Nevertheless, regardless of instinct or impulse, it is portrayed that the over riding factor in this case was the power of influence. Therefore, in my opinion, given any set of circumstances, a certain personality trait, and an environmental factor, we are all open to be influenced into or by anything.

I am considered a bit of a shop-a-holic…..it’s kind of true. I do enjoy buying things, if I can afford them. Years ago, I could afford very little, but I was easily influenced and swayed by my bank to get myself a credit card. The bank were giving them out, willy nilly and you only had to pay a minimum payment. Happy days, until it wasn’t ! I had rocked up a nice amount on my first card, because the bank kept upping my limit. They were increasing it because I was paying my minimum payment on time! The more they increased the limit, the more I spent.

I have maxed out and cleared three credit cards in my life because my motto was ,’you only live once and could be dead tomorrow’. However, after clearing the last one in my 40’s I vowed to not get a credit card again. The point I am trying to make is that I am impulsive by nature, and was easily influenced by the magical number that my credit card limit had grown to, and because of my motto ‘you only live once’, I happily kept spending. However, eventually sense came knocking at the door and my gut was telling me to knock the spending on the head, It wasn’t real money, it was just numbers and all I was really doing was accruing a debt that was just not sustainable in the long run.

It was like a pleasure and a pain at the same time. While spending I got a high and when the bank statement landed on the mat, the reality of the debt would hit me hard. I had to rein myself in.

Being a teen, it is very hard to rein yourself in. Your mind is not fully developed, you are still trying to find out who you are. you are changing continually and are full of angst and self esteem issues. Peers are our biggest influence and it is so easy to be swept up and lead by them.

Not all influence is bad or negative. For every negative there is a positive. Influence can be a very happy and positive experience. These days we can be influenced in many different ways by many different people, ideas and ideals. A teacher can be a great influence and inspiration for a pupil, whether young or old.

A tiktok influencer can influence someone to buy certain products, try certain foods, recommend books, holiday hot spots, sell up and travel the world, walk, write, exercise etc to improve mental health etc, etc, etc, the list goes on.

However, I think, it is the internal, intrinsic, innate part of us that will ultimately determine what we do with anything that influences us, how far we will let it lead us, and at what cost. For everything we do, no matter what age, there is a price to pay.