#writing – Relay shun ships

life is simple, its just not easy !

I first heard this ‘saying’ in a psychology lecture many years ago and it really resonated with me, and so I stole it and used it for title of my blog, Itsjustnoteasy.com.

We can imagine what life should look like in our minds. These days more and more people call it ‘manifestation’. It’s the new (ish) ‘buzzword’. I really don’t like that overused turn on phrase either!

From a young age, when I was a girl, I had my ‘plan’. Meet a boy, be engaged by age 18, married by 19 and have a baby by 20. Easy peasy, when you are a 10 year old girl and 18 is 100 years away.

The thing is, I was engaged at 18. Definitely to the wrong fella, who thought being macho meant pushing and knocking me about when he was drunk. By 19 and a half I got wise and left him. Falling in love was easy. Loving someone who you know is bad for you and deciding to leave is not easy, but I did it.

Two years later I found myself engaged again and two years after that, when I was 23, we got married. Love was a slow burner for me, (after the previous ‘Love’, I felt other things were more important, like friendship and respect for instance. We got on well and I was deeply fond of him and so I grew to love him.

At 24 I had my baby. My life was complete. I felt complete.

Then life throws you a curveball and all is not really that rosey in the garden after all. The cracks begin to show, until one day you realise, it’s really not working. We both wanted different things I guess. We both saw ‘marriage’ differently. Deciding to end it was definitely not easy. By 26 I was getting divorced.

Relationships are hard work. Not just with our partners but with family members, work colleagues, teachers, students, you name it, they can be good, bad and indifferent, sometimes all at the same time.

So what gets in the way of this simple life? What makes it difficult? You, me, health, work, weather, intellect, emotion, awareness, the government, communication, motivation, deprivation, ruthlessness, stubbornness, anxiety, gentleness, fragileness ? The list could go on and on and on.

One or more or all of the above gets in the way of life being simple, so therefore, it’s just not easy…. not all of the time….. and there is no way that it can be….unless you are a hermit.

Even then, as much as I enjoy my own company and being on my own, doing my own thing, no one to irritate me, mess up the house, make unpleasant noises in the bathroom, or bedroom, after a skinful of drink, I still need interaction with people. We all do, don’t we?

We are social beings and once we are done with the busy, the hectic, the demanding and the running on autopilot, working, parenting, caring, doing for others, we may find ourselves alone, even with a partner, one can feel alone.

You see, when the busy stops, the doing, the caring, parenting, working etc, you think, what now? You’ve talked the talk. Walked the walk, a thousand million times and now its just you, or you two and often times there is a big blank space that wasn’t there before, or perhaps it was but you just didn’t notice.

So now you think, and think and think and live in your head. So think about you, just you, What do YOU want to do?

The thing is, do something, anything. Something different, something new. Something you are afraid to do. Something that terrifies you. Just do something to take you out of your head, and do the ‘something’ head on. What does it matter if it doesn’t work out. The thing is, it just might.

The thing is, over the course of our lives we have evolved many many times. From infant to toddler to teen to adult and none of it was easy! Well adulting doesn’t stop at 18 or 21. It keeps evolving, and we owe it to ourselves to keep going, keep stepping into the next stage, simple or not, easy or not, but do it.

There will be people and places we meet along the way that we may not ever have met, had we not taken that step. Opportunities we may have missed. Growth we may have stunted, had we not taken a new step in a new direction.

So yes, life is simple, it just not easy, and I don’t think it was ever designed to be. So go grab life by the horns, enjoy the ride, keep courage in your breast pocket and remember, it may not be easy, but it is as simple as that!

Wooden sign reading “OLD LIFE” and “NEW LIFE” beside two rural roads — A weathered sign points toward “OLD LIFE” and “NEW LIFE” along two countryside roads.

What makes a Good Leader?

I love a good daily prompt to get the mind focussed and thinking. So what does make a good leader?

Is it a list? if so, can it be applied generally across the board to all and sundry? let’s see:

Edward de Bono said the Blue hat, from his six thinking hats, is a good leader. The blue hat is, and I quote ” used to manage the thinking process. It’s the control mechanism that ensures the six thinking hat guidelines are observed……

What are the other hats I hear you ask. In summary they are:

White Hat – collects the facts and only the facts.

Yellow Hat – symbolises optimism and brightness, ie. explores the positives and benefits.

Black hat – The risk management hat. Spots the difficulties and risks.

The red hat – Feelings, intuition, hunches, likes and dislikes,

The Green hat – focuses on creativity, possibilities, alternatives. This hat sees opportunities to explore new concepts.

So collectively, in the board room we effectively could do with a person to wear each hat and put their thoughts, feelings and ideas to the blue hat, or the blue hat must ensure that he has covered the thinking processes of the other hats if he is to make a decision all by himself/herself.

Lets test this with Winnie the Pooh. When there is a problem it is usually to him that most of the other creatures go. He usually responds with optimism, consideration and empathy. He is definitely a problem soother but is that enough to lead?

What about Christopher Robin, the only human amongst the creatures. He generally is the one that the animals go to when they have a BIG problem. He is most certainly, more often than not, a problem solver.

What about the ‘what I say goes’ type of leader. The organizer, the planner, the hit the ground running, even if other’s do not necessarily agree…mmmmmm, Rabbit is a bit like that, wouldn’t you say? Me too sometimes! yikes, my bad!!

Do we need a mentor to lead, the knowledgeable one. The one with the facts, like Owl. He reads a lot and knows a lot. Surely he can show them all the way?

and then there is Kanga, the steady, nurturing, caring, understanding creature. Can she lead on that alone or does she need the knowledge, the planning, the organisation, the optimism and consideration of all the facts?

What about courage, tenacity, honesty, ability to listen but also plough on in the face of adversity? Does a good leader need to step back, observe, listen, delegate, give responsibility to, his team, his friends, his family, whatever it is he/she is supposed to be leading?

I think a good leader is all the above, a person who knows that they cannot do it by themselves, for that is just ego. They must trust others, support others, allow others to contribute at the table, and understand that in order to lead you must also stand back.

Now the only other thing to consider is in terms of leadership, is to know that not all leaders are necessarily good, or have good intentions for the greater good of others. Some leaders are driven by greed, power, control and dominance.

Watch any Marvel movie, watch any piece of history, recent, or otherwise, and you will see what consequences have been as a result of poor or insincere leadership.

So, like in the world of the 100 acre wood, lets be a Winnie the Pooh & gang kind of leader.

December….

“How did it get so late, so soon”? Dr. Seuss

It’s almost upon us….December. Never mind that very special person with a beard and red suit, who comes bearing gifts and leaves them under the tree for all the ‘good’ children, it is also almost the end of another year!

So what did you do this year? Was it hectic, was it fulfilled, was it the same as any other year? Were you in the doldrums, did you realise your dreams, edge closer to your dreams, change direction? Did you endure it with sadness and lose someone significant? Questions, questions, questions!

My year began with deciding to go house hunting in the sun for a holiday home. Having lost both parents in the previous two years, one after the other, my brothers and I shared the proceeds from the sale of their house, our family home. It was a difficult time, but we had to be practical.

I am usually so bad with money, in one hand and out the other, like sand falling hurriedly through my fingers. I really didn’t want to squander what my parents had worked so hard for, and so, the search for a holiday home in the sun began.

By April I had picked up the keys to my place in the sun in Spain and have managed to go there 4 or 5 times since then. For that I have been very grateful (especially to my boss, who has let me have flexi time at work) and of course to my parents, whom I think they would approve of how I spent ‘their money’.

I managed to slip and bash my head whilst in Spain, which required 4 staples and a night in hospital. Thank God no lasting damage…. it could have been a lot worse! It was also a bit of a wake up call.

I visited there with my brother on one occasion and my grandchildren on another. I also visited with one of my friends. I was happy to share this new ‘home’ with them and let them imagine me there should I ever leave Ireland.

Each time I went to Spain I wanted to stay longer and longer and longer. So much so that now, as this year is drawing to a close, I have put my house up for sale, with a view to going to my place in the sun and then deciding, ‘what next’.

Travel has always been on my bucket list. I want to go to places I have never been, if only for a short time, few weeks, few months, longer if possible. Travel without worrying about having to go to work. To just do what I can do with the means that I have.

Impulsive by nature and not one for sitting still for too long I think, ‘what’s the worst that can happen’? With each year rolling quicker and quicker into the next, losing loved ones along the way, good friends and family, it is a stark reminder of how quickly time flies and how precious life is.

I also turned 60 this year so realise there is a lot less time ahead of me that what has gone before. With that in mind I want to take the bull by the horns and try something new….. again.

Is that selfish, is it reckless, is it foolish or is it brave. Maybe it is all of the above! I can only live my life. No one can live it for me, so on that basis, I should just bite the bullet and give it a go…… once my house here actually sells that is!

However, there is a caveat to that. I change my mind like the weather. I drive myself nuts with all my different ideas and plans, but at least, I have ideas and plans and that is what matters isn’t it? To keep thinking, hoping, dreaming, planning and then ‘doing. If we don’t try, nothing changes right?

I moved to this current house 4 years ago. A lovely house in a lovely part of the country. During that 4 years I have grieved 3 very significant people. Started a new job where I currently still work and couldn’t ask for a nicer boss who also became my very good friend. Met several really nice people in my neighbourhood and joined two writing groups where we meet once a week.

I have been welcomed here and made to feel ‘part of the tribe’. People I would never have met, if I hadn’t made the move. I wonder then, who and what is waiting for me in my next move? That is what fills me with excitement and a strong sense of curiosity.

In the words of Anais nin “life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage”

So, here’s to another, almost, end of a year and hopefully an exciting new year ahead with new adventures!

Letter writing

Can you remember the last time you wrote or received a letter, hand written. Chose the paper, licked the envelope and stamp and popped it in the post box? if not, perhaps its time to take up the importance of letter writing again.

I remember the anticipation and excitement when the post man would walk up the drive and I hoped and wondered if any of the letters were for me.

When I was 14, there was no such thing as social media. There was letter writing and a phone plugged into the wall, or in a phone box in the village, if you needed to call anyone.

This was our means of communication back in my youth of the 70’s.

Nowadays, we have txt, email, and all platforms of social media to communicate.

Today I ran our session at a weekly writing group I attend. The theme I used was the importance of letter writing.

It is said that letter writing originated, according to the ancient historian Hellanicus, with Atossa, the Queen of Persia. She was around 50 years old when she wrote the first letter around 500 BC. She was a woman of great influence, skilled and learned and people wanted to emulate her and become literate. She created this genre of communication which eventually formed the basis the postal service as we know it today (selectabase.co.uk).

So why, you might ask, do I think it is important? Well, it isn’t just a catalogue of events that are happening. It is a record, a hand written record, of time, place, thoughts, feelings and events. Even the handwriting itself, is a source of comfort and conversation, unlike txt.

It is personal, recognisable and often a source of joy to receive a letter, through the post, from a loved one, a friend, a partner or family member and long after the txt or email has been deleted or left in the in box, the hand written letter is a tangible document, that can be kept and stored.

I have letters that are 45 years old from friends of my youth. They are to me like treasure. Two of the writers of these letters are no longer with us, both passed young, so the letters are priceless. I run my finger over the ink. They bring me back to a time in my youth and they make me laugh. They are a source of comfort when I feel sad, they are evidence of all the antics that went on and a portrait of innocence of teenage girls. I am right back there, at that time, and I love that.

What strikes me though is nothing changes. The same trials and tribulations and angst we felt as teenagers, is felt by teenagers today.

I have a couple of books which I referenced in the group. One was ‘Love Letters of the Great War’. What was surprising about some of the letters contained in that book, was the positivity written. One talked of the lovely sunrise, the smell of lavender, the dew on the leaves shining like diamonds. I thought how sweet to write such positive things, during such a terrible event, so that his wife could feel comfort. What a treasure, that hand written letter must have meant to her.

The other book I referenced was ’84 Charing Cross Road’. This book, set from 1949, contains all the letters from Helene Hanff, a writer in New York to Frank Doel bookseller of Marks and Co Antiquarian book shop in London. The friendship which developed between the two and other staff members is fabulous. So much so that there were exchanges of Christmas packages, birthday gifts and even food parcels, due to food shortages in Britain after the war.

Both are books I would recommend. They are wholesome and heartwarming and bring us to a place and time, that is right at the heart of the writers.

I think I like poetry because it too is often quite like writing a letter. It expresses thoughts and feelings especially to loved ones. Patrick Kavanagh’s ‘In memory of my mother’, to me is like a love letter to her, it is so poignant, so beautiful and something I can relate to, having lost my own mother last year.

Finally, another poem, described as the greatest poem composed in either Ireland or Britain by Eibhlin Dubh Ni Chonaill. She wrote a lamant about her beloved husband, Airt Ui Laoghaire, who was killed. The year was 1773. The poem is known as a caoineadh (keena) a keen, a lamant for Art O’Laoghaire.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=1712381318811033

This keen, this lament has been the inspiration of the the Book ‘A ghost in the throat‘ by Doireann Ni Ghriofa. A book that spans time and distance, yet, connects these two women in txt and became an influence in Doreann’s life.

Whether today, or tomorrow, write a letter, with your own hand, write it to a loved one, let them recognise your handwriting as is drops on the floor through the letterbox, let them delight in the news you wish to tell and let them keep this treasure, in a box, or bag, or book and let this be a way to future proof yourself in their life and beyond.