Revenge I seek

Crimson lips fade to pale
Confessions of Love – a sting in the tale
T’ was meant for me, I know it’s so
Another path, you must go
A heart of ice calls your name
No choice you have, to play the game
Stiff and rigid you play along
Conform and dance to her merry song
I watch her eyes, her twitching lips
Her twisted lies and sarcastic quips
I stand and stare in disbelief
Holding on, in silence, to my grief
Off you go to the maidens lair
I know in your heart, I must be there?
Can’t you run and escape her grasp
If only you had a looking glass
See the story how it should be
Then you’d know, you should be with me
What’s her power, has she cast a spell?
Is there a secret, never to tell?
life without you seems so bleak
Just walk away, why so weak?
Do not laugh and frolic with her
Remember me, I called you sir?
You promised me love and fairytale
My Prince, my knight, but now you bail
You said you loved me, I believed it was true
Now I’m confused cos she is with you
You’ve abandoned me now but what is the cost
I’m angry inside, broken, lost
I want to scream, and call you out
Please sir please sir I want to shout
I feel like a child, vulnerable and small
You’ve got nothing to say, nothing at all?
I’ve been discarded left here on the path
Let me tell you sir, you will feel my wrath
You’ve used and abused me, I know I am right
Hang your head in shame Don’ t put up a fight
You said that you loved me, I thought it was so
Silly girl, stupid, now I must go
I’ll hatch a plan , revenge will be sweet
I won’t be so nice, the next time we meet!
My heart, it is broken, you can’t comprehend
The damage you’ve caused – you were never my friend……

Ustav Raj spirals

Being a grown up!

Teenagers cannot wait to grow up and do it’ their way’, because, they know everything and parents are ‘old fashioned’. The reality of becoming a parent is often different to the ‘idea’ of what being a parent is and sometimes being grown up is just not what its all ‘cracked up to be’…….

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I was having a conversation with my almost 16 and almost 17 year old last week.  Of course, life is different now, than it was in my day, because I am just ‘old fashioned’ right?   The (almost) 17 year old has been working as a volunteer now for a year in a charity shop and is gaining useful skills.   Would she rather have a job that pays her a wage?  of course, but paying jobs are very hard to find.

The (almost) 16 year old does not want to volunteer when she turns 16.  ‘I don’t want to work with old people, I wouldn’t be any good at it’  – is her reason.   ‘What would you rather do’? I asked…….   she shrugged her shoulders and replied ‘hang out with my friends’.     She is a social butterfly this one.  Wants to dress nicely, wear make up, make herself look older than her (almost) 16 years and just hang out with friends.  How she gets all the things she wants, is really not on her agenda, so long as she gets them.

Don’t get me wrong, if she is asked to do chores, she does them, with the usual begrudery that, I suppose, a lot of teenagers have but I do worry about her lack of ‘work ethic’.  All those that went before her ‘worked’   This one wants to be an investigative journalist.  She has the brains but does she have the motivation……. time will tell.

‘I don’t think I want to have babies’, she said.  ‘I mean, you have to look after them EVERY DAY’ she exclaimed.  I smiled, then I laughed.  She is used to all the grandchildren coming around and see’s her older sisters’ lives of all the comings and goings. demands and needs of the children.  The mundane drudge of boring housework and juggling of work of mothering and home making……  ‘ughhh – too much effort’.  She sees them hardly ever going out and having ‘fun’ when all she wants is to go out and have fun.  That of course, is her choice and it may change – one day.

‘You don’t just look after them EVERY DAY’ I said,  ‘it goes on for years and years, until one day you have a stroppy 15 year old on the couch, with a face full of make up, in her super dry jeans,having just returned from a day out of celebrations, stuffing her face with chocolate, and looking forward to a long lie in because she is tired, not induced by working’! I finish.   She throws her head back, laughs and says ‘Exactly’!

I watch my other daughters, with their children and see how loved and well cared for they are.  I also see the stresses that they live through, day in day out, one way or another.  I recognise their feelings and emotions of love and anxiety, of patience and impatience, of frustration and adoration of energy and exhaustion, of happiness and sadness,  of tolerance and intolerance of many varying situations.  The juggling of the physical stuff as well as the emotional stuff, its just not easy, some of the time and being a grown up can be hard.  Sometimes you feel like you just want to get away or run away, if only for a day (or two) to recharge, re-energize, re evaluate and rejuvenate and then put all that renewed energy back into all the relationships associated with being a parent, a housewife,  an employee, etc etc.

My girls are  are strong independent women.  Sure they have their moments and their hardships.  They also have what I call ‘grit’.  They have determination and they continue to put the effort into all that they do, but the most important thing 2 of them do, is be mothers, good mothers, to their children, the next generation.  From early age, they did their chores, they were brought up with a firm but fair mother, who had certain expectations, and that included going out to work and being responsible, I think it paid off.

To my almost 16 year old, who just wants to have fun….. enjoy the next couple of months of freedom, because then it will be time to work, albeit, volunteering, with OLD PEOPLE because we have got to get you some skills!

What’s your Talent?

Do you ever wonder what you are good at and if you don’t have a talent, does that mean that you are not good at anything? It was a thought that I pondered from a very young age.

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I remember being a small child at school and the teacher talking about having ‘A Talent’. Some people were putting their hands up, naming what they were good at, e.g. football, music, art, singing, dancing etc etc. I just sat there contemplating and wondering and finally, despairing that I didn’t in fact, have a talent.   I couldn’t have been any older than 7  or 8 years of age at the time.

For years it bugged me and nagged at me from somewhere in the back of my mind that I was talent – less!   Don’t get me wrong, I was OK at sport, particularly Hockey and Gymnastics.  I loved the latter but really disliked the former with a vengeance.  I was OK at Netball, but really liked the game and I was rubbish at music and art.  My art teacher in secondary school told me I was rubbish at painting but I did enjoy participating anyway.

Somewhere along the line, however, I had a belief that I could do anything.  I think by now I was much older, maybe in my 30’s or 40’s.  Not only did I believe I could do anything, I believed that everyone could do anything…… if they wanted to, really wanted to and were prepared to work hard for what it was, they wanted to achieve.

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Also as I got older I came to appreciate other things that were of no consequence to me when I was younger, like an appreciation for nice classical music, particularly the sound of the violin and composers like Mozart, Pachelbel, Bach and Vivaldi to name but a few.  When I was young, all I was interested in was Meatloaf, the Police, The Beetles and Elvis, to name but another few!

From one time frame to another something happened to me.  That something was called ‘life’.  Between childhood and adulthood I had experienced many different situations, and been exposed to lots of things, good, bad and indifferent.  The most profound of them all was becoming a mother.  This, after all, is the one thing, since being a child, that I always wanted to be.  This was and has remained, consistent.

Could  this have been my talent?  Was / am I any good at it?  Well my children would have to answer that, but I can confirm that I gave it all the time, all the effort, all the sacrifice, all the fight, all the love, including tough love and all the  part of me, that believed I was doing all the best for them.  I am still doing this and my efforts are looking pretty damn good on the grand scheme of things….. my children are fabulous, flawed, but fabulous and of them, I am proud.  I am proud because I watch them growing and developing and learning and doing and falling and getting up and going again, doing again, learning again, loving, forgiving and moving on and moving forward and succeeding and achieving.

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There are many famous artists out there, footballers, dancers, singers, musicians etc etc, but in my mind this is not what having a talent is.  Yes it is a skill, of course, but just because they are famous for it, doesn’t make our endeavours any less of a ‘talent’ and our eventual success at our ‘Talent’.

So for all those who think they don’t have a talent and wander this world wondering why you don’t have one, I have news for you.  You do have one, just look at what you do everyday, a lot, consistently, persistently and are good at it, even if you don’t really enjoy it, you have a ‘talent’ for sticking with it!

My husband goes to work, every day of his shift, week in week out to provide for us.  He comes home every night and gives me a kiss  and its not an empty kiss, its a kiss that shows he is pleased to see me and he is glad to be home.  His talent is that he is a great husband, father and provider and we are ‘enough’ for him.  Sure he has other interests and hobbies but his real talent is being great at taking care of us.

 

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I do not search for my talent anymore….. I got this far, successfully,  still believing that I can do anything and you too can do anything…….

 

 

Paintings all done by me……. I think even my art teacher wouldn’t be too disappointed!

 

 

Daily Prompt: Invisible

via Daily Prompt: Invisible

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It’s nice in there amongst the trees, a little hideout,
I am at ease
Walking alone feels easy to do, there in my mind
adventures new
Leaves are falling and swirling down, leaving their safety
they hit the ground
Little droplets ebb away, finding a new place to stay
where do they go, what do they do, all the things
which start anew?
Some sink deeper and nourish and feed
grow they must with their new given seed
Invisible process, and close encounters, something sparks
enlightens the doubters
powerful thoughts, you have no control, such is the urge
to sink in the hole
deeper and deeper, not a care in your head
no one will know, until you are dead
that will show them, how invisible you were
too little, too late, no comfort to her

I ran…..

I thought of you when I read this quote from “Home” by Carrie Sherbourne –

“Slowly and carefully, I opened the door and in my bare feet ran, I ran as fast as I could and I daren’t look back. I ran down the next street, my dressing gown flying open. Two drunks were coming out of the pub on the corner, they must have thought they saw a ghost. I kept on running until I found a phone box on the main road. Damn the bloody thing was broken. I picked up the receiver and nothing, not a bloody sound. Shit I need to get out of here. I ran again further up the road then down another side road, terrified, crying, sobbing my heart pounding, running and looking back over my shoulder to see if he was behind me. I wasn’t thinking straight I just kept running until I saw a light in a house.”

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A time to climb

when things go wrong and it doesn’t feel right, though it is hard to go, it often harder to stay.

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I heard a story today about a man who turned into work and, out of nowhere, walked up to his boss and told him that he was quitting, with immediate effect. It made me smile. My first thought was that he was brave and knew what he wanted and was ‘going for it’. My next thought was that he was having some sort of a break down, couldn’t take it any more, and just gave up, quit.

Either way it was a bold move and one I can relate to. It reminded me of when I was 19 years old. I was engaged and working in a job, that was really a dead end job, good money but little prospects or even challenging. I was also living in a country that I was not born in and missed my ‘home’. It was a sunny day and I was in the canteen and said to my work colleague how I missed my hometown. (I had left it 5 years previous to move to Ireland with my parents). ‘I’m sick of hearing you saying that, why don’t you just go back’ she said to me abruptly, but in a friendly, inquisitive way. She was probably the age I am now – a 50 something. I starred at her for a moment, my life flashed in front of me, and I said ‘You are right, why don’t I?’ I smiled and realised, apart from my family, there was nothing keeping me here. I had just turned 19, I had my whole life ahead of me. ‘I’m going to hand my notice in’ I laughed and quickly exited the canteen to the managers office and duly handed in 2 weeks notice. It felt magical, wonderful, exhilarating.

I told my mum that I would leave in a month’s time, so that I could finish my notice and and 2 weeks at home with her and the family before I sailed to my new life – the unknown.

The thing is, yes it was scary as well as exciting but the alternative of staying, was even scarier. I was in an abusive relationship and didn’t tell anyone. I felt too ashamed. I felt weak. It did not suit me to be weak, I didn’t like how it made me feel. To stop feeling that way, I had to do something. I had to make the change. Staring into the unknown, heading over to no job, no home no family was better than staying where all those things were.

This was the place, this unknown future, of where I would grow, of where I would learn, where I would fall and where I would climb back up again, to where I knew it ‘felt’ right.

I had never really known what I wanted to’be’ but I knew what I did not want to ‘be’ and in that knowing, it made me strong, it made me cope, it made me resilient and made me keep moving on and moving up out of where I did not want to be.

It wasn’t all easy and it certainly wasn’t all plain sailing, but it was real, it was honest and it was my driving force and it was my peace of mind. Quitting can be a great thing, in that you just quit one life to get the life you really want, need or deserve.

Since that time, at age 19, I have quit many situations, because it was the right thing to do, even though they were difficult.

I say fair play to that man, and I wish him the best in all that he does and I hope he finds the new life that he is seeking. In his quitting there will be a new beginning.

Daily Prompt: Provoke

a reaction, a response, a thought, a feeling, doing, not doing, saying, not saying, looking, not seeing….

via Daily Prompt: Provoke

Words, they are but letters arranged in a certain way
Sometimes they make complete sense, some, they blow us away.
What is their meaning; well, context, dictates
Even then, there can be mistakes.
How we interpret, sometimes is absurd
what impact is made, by the simple word?
Left on their own a danger ensues, from nothing, to everything
they hurt or amuse
Coupled together, with an action or deed
achievement of something, you will succeed.
Whether to think it or do it,feel it or not
No thing, is something, it leaves it’s blot
on the mind or the heart, the body or page
fills us with sadness, harmony or rage
Words they are a powerful tool
Use them wisely, don’t be a fool
Once they are said, they are hard to revoke
be careful of the beast, you’re about to provoke
when all the words and said and done
they’ll make an explosion, like a loaded gun!