in these uncertain times we have enough to worry about. The most important thing to worry about it staying safe and well and keeping others safe and well. Worrying about rent, mortgages, businesses etc should not be part of our burden now. I think the governments, around the world should just press pause, from the beginning of march and reboot, when this is all over, so no more debt accumulates, adding to people’s already enormous burden of keeping well.
It didn’t seem so serious, not really
Not at first
Everyone carried on as normal engaging with life
Wrapped up in it, in work or family, despair, debt
The rat race
December, a month of mixed emotions
Full of demands, from excitement to dread
A new unexpected trend was banded about this year
It was ‘Corona Virus’
We heard it mentioned, but it was ‘over there’
We carried on as normal, in the rat race
Wrapped up in work, in family, in despair and debt
Beware the ides of March!
Now we began to listen to take notice
It was here, it was everywhere
Stockpile, panic buy, carry on
With daily life, with family, work, despair and debt
Spreading, dying, ignorance and fear
Essential, frontline, social distancing, cocoon
Wash, wash wash your hands
Don’t touch your face
Stay safe at home
Get out of the rat race
Flatten the curve, it will save lives
Don’t be a fool, ignorance is not bliss
It is fatal
The world is broke, full of despair, fear and debt
Take time to reflect.
With fresh eyes, find a way
It’s about people and love and life
The rat race, dead in the water
It’s a boulder, laying heavy on your shoulder
The graves are the same depth
When it’s over, when it’s been contained
Let a new contagion begin
A kind one, a helpful one, a fair one
Not one full of ignorance, hate, debt or regret
Press play and begin anew
Wipe the slate clean
Let families flourish and businesses carryon
Without the noose
We are all in the same boat
Let’s not accumulate the entire ocean in it and sink
A new world, a new world game
The human race
Let’s heal the world, play your part
Let our leaders play theirs
Let them lead, honourably, wisely, honestly and fairly
So that we can embrace the pause
So we may cocoon and stay safe at home
So we may slow the spread
So that we may flatten the curve
So that we may not put our essential frontline staff at risk
So that our frontline staff may be rewarded for their bravery
Watching the program on RTE,:Redress, breaking the silence, I was very sad, angry and upset for the victims. I wrote down words some had used and put them into this poem. For all people of abuse, institutional or otherwise, Keep fighting, keep surviving,
What am I?
I ask of you, I ask of me
In the eyes and minds of others, do you see me?
Do we see the trees, in the woods?
The intricacies, the forms and shapes
Each piece, from root to tip
Some of it medicine, some of it poison
What is at the core?
Covered and disguised from and by
The beauty, the ugly, the refined, the wild
Enclosed, hidden, cocooned, protected?
Still it grows, it lives, it flourishes and survives
It smiles, frowns, laughs and cries
It performs, protects, gives life and reason.
It can multiply, it is duplicitous
It is harmful, outraged, calm
Yet, there is a serenity and purity and no shame or blame
So what do you see…. Me?
Shall I concede, should I?
Is it for me, to redress, to confess the sin, of you, of them
like a virus, I am infected,
I am confident in my trauma
It is cemented in and resides within me
It guards me, it is my shield, My weapon, my curse
So please, enlighten me
What am I?
A thing, a tool, a vessel, a release
A scapegoat for your, justice!
Money, a pay check, a sealed envelope to be locked away
I will be long dead, so tell me
Who is the criminal here?
The long dark despairing days fell on me
On my shoulders, on my soul
Where was or is my protection?
I am here
I live, I breathe, I survived
I will not be hushed or gagged anymore
I will vomit up and release this infection
And you shall set right this wrong
You will hear me when I set it free
Like a bird emerging from the tree tops
Soaring through the air, spreading its wings
Sharing to the world, what I am
I am innocent
I am grown, not a child anymore
I am injured but strong
I am bitter, but I found sweetness
I am cautious, but I am loved
I am not your victim
I am a survivor
I will not be silenced
Suicide and death, I have danced with, entertained and willed
How can I describe this ‘state’ that I am in? It is easy to articulate words, adjectives, but that is not the entire picture. It’s more than that. For one little word ‘Grief’, means so many different things. This one syllable word does not translate my ‘state’ of being.
At times, it is all consuming. A feeling of sadness, deeper than any crevice or hole and the possibility of crawling out seems improbable, unlikely and impossible. It is seismic, insurmountable, paralizing, yet ‘life goes on’. That is what they say, and usually, they are right. Life does indeed go on, but does the grief go away or does that go on too? Yes, night follows day, time continues to move, people move and the world rotates. Grief too rotates and I am at the centre of it. I am the axis for it. It changes me, or do I change it?
I am in the black hole and I don’t see you, I don’t hear you. I don’t see or hear anyone. I am remote. I am in my thunderous, swirling hurricane and I am spiralling deeper and deeper. I lock myself away. I curl up in a ball, I am foetal. I am helpless. I need an interaction, a distraction. I need transient nourishment. The pain is too much. I am starving with the hunger of needing and wanting you. I drink in the numbness. It soothes me. It entices me to its open arms and cradles me. It understands my pain and for a while, it takes it away and I am peaceful, blissful, for you are with me again and we are in each-other’s arms.
I see and hear you as you come into view. I get so excited at the recognition of you. It’s the most wonderful, warm feeling and it envelops me. I know you feel it too. I see it in your face. I watch your eyes light up, as do mine, and we embrace. We hold and try to cling on, but then in a cruel twist of fate, you are gone again. I am alone again, alone in my grief.
Oh people around me tread carefully, offer me the usual platitudes but I know they are getting frustrated with me. I see it in their eyes, I hear it in their voices. Their patience is waning and wearing thin. They expect me to just accept it, this loss, but I cannot, it is beyond my capability to do so. This grief is a thief of time and presence of normality and ordinary regularity. I want that too, more than anything, more than they want it. What do they know about it? They say they understand, but they don’t. How can they? They didn’t experience this loss.
All I have now are my thoughts and feelings of you. My memories come and go. My mind is distorted, somehow it forgets and regresses and then it remembers. That is when I wish I wasn’t here either. I just want to be there with you. Everything is clear and calm and easy there. Nothing makes sense here. I try to reason, to rationalise, but it’s just too big to fathom and understand and that is why I crumble and shout and scream. I’m afraid, I am terrified of ‘what next’?
How can I move on, just like that? It is not that simple, it’s too complex. I cannot get used to it, your absence. I too wish to become absent, nothing else matters. I will just submit to it. I invite it and long or it to come and get me. I wait submissively for the rotation, to bring me back to you. It is only there that I know who I am. When I am back there with you, that is normal, that is home, that is me, in my proper ‘state’. I recognise myself there and I remember who I once was before this decrepitude enslaved me. I see me clearly with clarity and I am, once again, intoxicated with happiness. I, somehow made it back, and for a while I am not grieving. Then, without warning, I disappear abruptly, with wanton abandon and again, find myself surrendering to grief.