I got a glimpse of the old woman. She still was sprightly, strong and physically quite fit. But her mind was growing weaker.
From sharp witted to confused and forgetful, so much so, she couldn’t remember what day of the week it was, where she parked her car, she didn’t remember that she was due to attend a dental appointment, she didnt remember how to spell a simple word like ‘because’….yet had always been top of the class for dates, numbers, spelling.
She was tired, all the time, her energy zapped. Heart palpatations, chest pain and knots in her tummy. She couldn’t feel much enthusiasm for anything. She felt quite numb. Muzzy head. Heavy. Heart palpitations, chest pain, knots in her tummy to name but a few.
Her bones began to ache. Her body often vibrated from the inside out suddenly and without warning….frightening…was she developing a neurological disorder?
Headaches, insomnia, exhaustion. Zombie mode, working on auto pilot. She was there, present, but not ‘presen’, all at the same time.
As for sex, not even a flutter, a thought, a want or need but, a confused curiosity as to why not.
Indeed, she thought, this is it. This is the old woman knocking at my door but I don’t want to let her in. She wants to steal my fun, my joy, my brain, my zest for life. She is a thief, a fair weather friend, a demon! No don’t let her in.
Take back control. Stand up to her. Tackle her to the ground. For you are young. You are strong. You are willing and able. All you need to do is to is say yes. Fight for your life, life as you knew it before she came knocking.
And so, taking her Doctor’s advice when she turned 50, he said ‘its time to come off it, 15 years is long enough”. “but only because I had a hysterectomy very young” shed pleaded with him to reconsider. But no, he insisted .
Enough was enough. She marched back to the doctor’s surgery a year later and said “I’m too young to be this old. Put me back on the HRT. It’s my body and my life. My life has turned to sh**” , he stared at her, chatted to her, reasoned with her and finally, gave in to her and granted her wish.
Now, some 11 years on from that, the old lady has been kept at bay, stayed away in the distance. Maybe, just MAYBE, there will come a time when I let her in…but not yet!
