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Every Picture…..

When does the virtual world cross paths with our real world,? I think, more often than we care to think.

At my mother’s house, I came across some old photos, of me, my brothers, mum, dad and many other family members.

As I flicked through them, it brought back so many memories. Good ones, sad ones, fun ones and cringe ones and plenty in between.

It occurred to me though, as I looked at some of the old ones of me, and some of the most recent ones, that my smile was not reflective of how I was actually feeling at the time that the snap was taken.

In the world of social media which we now live in, we often give out about people living in a virtual reality, only posting positive photos, lifestyles etc. I am one of those people.

I post my life on social media…… well, in the main, the perception of my positive life. I mainly post my photos because I once had my camera stolen with 5 weeks worth of holiday snaps on it, of my children and I. I was heartbroken, so from then on, I upload to facebook, to preserve the moment!

The thing is, we are all probably guilty of living or portraying a virtual reality ,pre and post social media.

In the collage of me above, at different ages and stages of my life, my smile seems almost the same giving the impression that I am happy, yet my reality of when some of the pictures were taken, couldn’t be further from the truth.

There was loss, significant loss in some of the photo’s, a miscarriage, a marital separation and the most recent being taken 11 days after my mother died.

Every day we go about our business, we smile and we say we are ‘doing fine’. For the most part I know I can pretend that I am fine for my ‘outside face’ but that is because it is important to have a break from it, from the sadness, the pain, hurt, grief or whatever it is that makes us ‘not fine’. We need distraction…well I do. That is how I cope.

I allow all my feelings to live in me, sometimes they consume me, they niggle at me, and I push them back and sometimes I let them break free. I do not or try not to let them define me, because each day, they are different, more intense, less intense, more manageable, more tolerable, less tolerable etc and as the days, weeks and months pass, we learn to live with our pain, our loss, our hurt and our wounds.

It is important to feel all the emotions, just as it is important to try to escape them, be distracted from them, and talk about them, even when we think we can’t, and when we can’t talk, we need to find a place, a person a friend, who we can trust enough, love enough, that we can sit in our silence or our turbulence and they will allow us to just sit…. and sit with us.

So, yes every picture really does tell a story, but it is really only the subject person, in the picture, that knows the whole story….. the rest is just a virtual reality.

“One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels”

Gustave Flaubert

Don’t tell me…

Don’t tell me how to feel, when I have no idea what I am feeling

Don’t try to unravel me when I am coiled up in knots but manage to bob along

Don’t tell me I should get up when all I want to do is sleep

Don’t tell me to rest when I can’t sit still

Don’t tell me

Don’t tell me

Don’t tell me

And I won’t tell you that you have no idea…..

Let me sit in my silence

Let me lounge in my pretence

Let me walk with my shadow

Let me be, in this moment, all that I am….

Let me tell you, to not tell me…..

Love is a choice….. right?

Its easy to love when all is going smoothly. When expectation is met with desired result…but when things get rough, love can be tested and then love becomes a choice……

Photo by Ylanite Koppens on Pexels.com

The answer to the old question…. what is love….?

Love is many a splendid thing…. Love is that first flutter in your belly when you see someone you like, whether you are 7 or 70.

Love is cradling your baby for the first time, not knowing, really, if you will do a good enough job at being it’s mother,/father, but you do your best anyway.

love is being so tired and sleep deprived that you still put your child’s needs before yours.

love is hating your child’s tantrums and behaviours, especially when they are teenagers, but still having their back and mopping up the mess.

Love is putting on your best dress and perfume, or best shirt and after shave and being on time and showing up for him/her.

Love is being so consumed with their wants and needs, you put yours on the back burner.

Love is allowing someone to say how they feel and not trying to negate or trivialize what they are saying.

love is putting yourself in their shoes.

love is patience, and patient.

love isn’t stagnant

love is holding yourself together, even when you are falling apart, and doing for others.

love is standing back, so someone more in need, can go first.

love is taking a minute to decide if your want/need can wait.

love is praying for loved ones and praying for strength to help you through difficult times.

love is letting go.

love is forgiveness.

love is a choice

love is learning to swallow down hurtful words and not allow it to penetrate.

love is picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and taking one step at a time.

Love is not always patient, not always kind and love is sometimes arrogant and rude and hurtful

because love comes in many disguises, depending of how safe love feels in the hands of the beholder and how wounded or lost the injured are

love endures, love lingers and love is not easily broken…….because love, is a choice…….

Love is both delightful and a curse, but love is love, and love is what drives our soul, our essence, our purpose.

When all else fail….. chose love.

Certain…..

List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.

1. My birth date… I didn’t choose to be born but I’m certain I have choices in how I live.

2. One day I will die, of that I am certain… I just hope it’s a long long way off and i hope its natural causes!

3. I am certain I could have done much better in school and college if i had studied more, but I was always happy to just pass… Life has to have balance…. And i’m happy to be average….

4. I am cerain that night will follow day just as sure that we will experience good times and bad times…. There’s no stopping it.

5. I’m certain that no one knows everything…. Even if they think they do. There’s an infinite amount of things to know and learn and that’s marvellous.

6. I’m certain of the love and commitment I have for my family. It doesn’t stop me however, taking time to still be ‘me’ .

7. Im certain that wars are rooted in mans power and greed.

8. I’m certain that I can only live and experience my life, no body elses.

9. Im certain that little things bring me joy.. A beautiful flower in a garden. A walk in the forest. The sound and sight of the sea. The taste of sweetness, the feel of my gran children’s arms around me and the sight of people being kind and compassionate.

10. I’m certain that I am uncertain about how today will end and about the future but, I am certain I will face and embrace it….

Humble pie…

The most delicious thing I have ever eaten was a variety of tastes from all the members of my family, that was sat around the table, each vying for attention, giving their opinions and each throwing in their two penneth worth and showing me how to eat my humble pie, listen, apologise and learn from my own mistakes….

This is when I knew for sure that they knew they had freedom to express their feelings and views…. Mother is not always right, even if her heart is in the right place….

Exploring….

Describe one simple thing you do that brings joy to your life.

Not like Christopher Columbas but I love to go exploring.

I love to discover new places, new faces and new souls, just like Anais nin.

I love to walk in a park or in the countryside. Or walk along a coastal path and hear the sea lapping on the sand.

I love to tramp a forest floor amongst the trees the ferns and bluebells, and hear the wild, the gentle, and all the quiet sounds.

I love to walk into a garden lush with a profusion of blooms. The scents and aromas of plants I cannot even pronounce.

I love to try new things to do and discover the art of it as it unfolds… And especially do the things so freely, not what i am told……

Good enough mother…..

For all the women who are mothers, remember to be kind to yourself…..

Image – Authors own…

On this side of the Atlantic it is Mother’s Day today. It is a day set aside in the year to show your appreciation, love and gratitude…… or not.

Not all are necessarily ‘good mothers’. Some women long to be a mother, but nature has taken away their chance to be one, and so Mothers day can be a torturous reminder of what they are missing out on. The rest fall somewhere in between, including me.

I have been a mother for 34 years. I have been a foster mother for 19 years and I have been a grandmother for 15 years.

For those of us in between, I guess we hope to be ‘good enough’ mothers.

I remember my journey, the day I first became a mother on the 21st April 1989. I felt that I was now complete and my world was right there in my arms as I cradled my newborn baby girl.

From that moment my life changed completely. What went before just didn’t exist and paled into insignificance, and what lay ahead was to be an adventure of discovery.

As my baby grew and developed, so did I. As she gained new skills, so did I. When she hurt herself, I felt pain. When she achieved the slightest thing, I was her champion. When she cried or sulked or appeared to be in any sort of danger, I was filled with anxiety. I was like a lioness, her protector.

When I went back to work, I felt guilty. A mothers guilt is hard to shake off. You have to balance it with the benefits of what going to work means for your family and try to convince yourself, that it is all for the best.

Leaving your child with a child minder, or at a creche, or play school, while you go to work, builds their social skills and they learn that the separation is temporary, and so the attachment, you hope, it a secure one.

No matter what though and no matter how old they get, you often ask, ‘am I good enough, did I do enough, was I kind enough, firm enough, affectionate enough etc etc. As mothers, we always question ourselves. In being mothers, we often lose ourselves.

It is a hard and arduous task to be a ‘perfect’ mother and I don’t think any of us ever feel that we are.

If we are mothers, then we are also daughters and some will have great relationships with their mothers, some will have strained relationships and some will not really know their mothers at all and be brought up with adoptive mothers, foster mothers etc.

Each relationship will have their ups and downs, their highs and lows, their fall ins and fall outs. That is just human nature, because none of us are perfect and we each, as mothers and daughters, have to navigate our way in our mother daughter relationships.

Like every relationship, it has its strenghts and it has its weak spots. We want to be listened to and we want to be heard (mothers and children). As a mother I have often said to my many children and foster children ‘I am a person’. I think, sometimes, they forget that and just see you as their mother.

As I watch my children, who have their own children, I see their great love, devotion and skills that they have in their ‘mothering’ and I see and hear when they question themselves, ‘if they are good enough’.

Many children (young and grown up) are without their mothers, as they have passed away. This day, is a sad day for them and a reminder of what they are missing out on.

For all the doubters asking ‘am I good enough’, if you are being the best that you can be, give the best that you can give in trying to be the best mother that you can be, then yes, absolutely, you are good enough.

And remember, a mother is still ‘a person’ and like all people, make mistakes, so go easy on yourself and be kind to yourself.

Happy Mother’s Day